I am all that I am
I believe everyone has faced some kind of darkness in their lives, as it is a beautiful and naturally occurring part of universal balance. Everyone has a story, and everyone has seen pain. I believe that not many people would choose the path of becoming a healer unless they have scars as reminders of their own wounds... otherwise there could not possibly be a full appreciation for how beautiful peace really is. I believe that most of the time, purpose and meaning arises from suffering. It is within contrast that allows us to see the true nature of the other side.
For 19 years, I had blindly lived a life of suffering, going to war over and over again with my own ego and demons I allowed into my energetic field. I have recovered from sexual assault, self harm, abuse, anorexia, addiction, anxiety, and depression, as so many of us have suffered from. I have been through approximately 11 therapists and psychiatrists all together who tried to fix me. I have bounced from school to school, convinced that a new fresh start would fix my life (It never did.) I was sent away to a program where I lived solely in the wilderness for three months; I have been to therapeutic boarding school, the psychiatric hospital, and even spent the night in jail.
At this point you may be wondering why I have automatically just shared with you the vulnerabilities of my entire life within the first few sentences of this page without a single clue as to who you are. The answer to that is because I understand we are all one...that human beings are all the same, and vulnerability allows us to see this. I choose to live my life raw and open for the most part to show people that it's ok. The ego wants to protect us by creating fear of judgement when in reality, this is only an illusionary projection of what is prevalent and discomforting in ourselves.
Humans are like trees; we may appear slightly different on the outside, or have separate experiences, but our roots remain the same. Our emotions are universal, and vulnerability is how we connect. It allows us to understand our roots, and see that we are not so separate.
Throughout my entire suffering I always had a choice lying beneath the surface of my awareness. I had been awaiting one moment, as clear as a yes or no multiple choice question on an exam. It wasn’t therapy that changed me, it wasn’t any other person, it was myself. It was the choice to check yes. I was able to be conscious of this choice as soon as I woke up to the universal powers all around that so many of us are blind to. It was being open minded to the methods of healing that society so commonly rejects.
If not for my suffering, I could not have ever been aware of the decision.
I was always a very sensitive and creative kid growing up. I never quite fit into the private school, country club life that I was born into. The egoic culture of my environment constantly angered me at a young age, because I felt different from the people around me. I had a vast collection and fascination with rocks and crystals, and displayed a passion for exotic fashion, art, and photography. I was labeled as an "indigo" child by my therapist at one time, whom my mother scoffed at. At the age of 7, I made the personal choice to become a vegetarian, and the kids my age began to make fun of me for it, causing me to feel insecure with who I really was. Being highly sensitive means being more tuned into the array of vibrations that exist, but that comes with resistance and struggle due to an overload of information. I was always extremely anxious, therefore I was put on medicine at a young age, limiting the true nature of my sensitivity and essence. As I became more aware of how different I was, the more insecure I became with myself, and the lonelier I began to feel. My depression hit me like a rock in middle school, feeling ostracized in a place where everyone appeared to be so blissful in their perfection and normalcy. I began to harm myself as a way to distract from the emotional pain and isolation I felt. I decided that happiness would come if I could fit in, so I chose to abandon my truth, succumbing to the pressure of society.
I started my high school career at the peak of change along with the help of puberty. Everything was different...my appearance, my school, and my identity. I went from “Katelyn” to “Kate,” cutting off a part of my name, as I cut off a part of myself. I constantly caked my face with makeup; I would even wear it to sleep because I couldn't bare to see the real me. I looked to others for validation, turned into a zombie, and was taken advantage of sexually because I didn't know where I ended and the next person began. I broke down and experienced a serious personality/identity crisis because I had no idea who I was anymore. I began to dissociate, mentally leaving my body and walking around aimlessly. I was convinced I had developed a form of multiple personality disorder.
At the age of 15, I was sent to a wilderness program, where I spent the first few weeks in Colorado, and the last few months in the desert of Utah. I was taken from my environment unexpectedly where I began to purge. I was vomiting every day, breaking down to build myself back up. I hiked all day, went to the bathroom outside, slept under a green tarp every night, learned to make fire from sticks, and never once saw a mirror or even knew what time it was. This was a key turning point in my life, as I became aware of what mindfulness, yoga, and meditation was. I was then sent straight to a therapeutic all-girls boarding school in Montana, where I had found grounding and a better sense of self. I was in a different place getting back to Atlanta... better off, but not perfect because I still had not made the choice myself.
Darkness, and Awakening
I started attending a public school, and at the age of 17 I let my ego control me again. I developed anorexia, stemming from the constant need to manage my outer world through my appearance to feel a sense of control, given the mess still prevailing in my mind. I associated self worth with external validation, and It took me a year to shift away from this energy before college. This is where my awakening occurred and my life changed in the fullest way possible.
At the time I had been in a string of relationships with people who possessed inherit darkness. The dark energy in my aura attached itself to the outer denseness of this 3d world through materialism. I was dating boys with Ferraris and trust funds who showered me in gifts, as I continued to search for that missing piece still in myself. I began to see ownership, greed, and abuse. I began to see that the world was far from what I could have ever imagined. I became aware, and had personal experiences with the higher groups and powers that control society... where as before I had only heard theories in which I wasn't sure to believe. I had my life threatened and light taken from me. As I started freshman year, I believed I was cursed.
Things didn't make sense, the coincidences and numbers and timing of negative incidents that continued to happen in my life were far from regular. The universe played itself out in my world, in sync with the darkness I collected in my energy field. Everyone I was close to was ending up ill, or having near death experiences at the exact same time. I was constantly sick, feeling this constant depression all over again. Every situation was working against me, and everyone I loved.
My life began to feel erratic and I didn't trust what would happen next. I believed I was cursed, but reality was only opening itself up to me. I started to see the patterns, understanding what I was attracting, understanding energy, vibrations, and how my outer world was a mirror, playing out in perfect harmony with the feelings I possessed in my inner world.
This was the start of my spiritual awakening. I did not fully believe in it yet, but there was a part of me that did. My family was very science based, and although we went to church a few times, we were far from religious. What had happened to me did not make sense, and so we came to the conclusion that sometimes there is no other explanation to the things that happen to us in life besides a trust in something larger. My mother was completely on board after the events that took place, (the specifics of which I leave out for privacy reasons) and now has a non-profit organization called Raisingthevibe.org. Our lives had changed in every possible way imaginable. I am so grateful for her support and presence, as I would not be in this place without her dramatic awakening from my experience.
Escaping the Truth
It took me a while to get to the place I am in now. There were moments after the trigger of the awakening in college where my body broke down in illness again because I would not pay attention to it. I was using substances to cope with the trauma I had been through, going down another spiral of depression and my body was not happy with me. I started to get into healthy eating, yoga and exercise, away from school during the summer, but I still wasn't knocked over the head enough by life to keep it up.
After the breakup with my much loved college boyfriend, I had finally done it to myself, sending myself over the edge. I ended up in the mental hospital for suicidal ideations, lost all of my friends, and started getting further into drugs and alcohol. I had spiraled out of control again.
I have learned that the universe will keep giving you the same lessons until you have had enough of the suffering, until you learn, wake up, accept, and embrace the higher powers. I had the choice, but in a way I had no other choice but to surrender to the universe unless I wanted to remain miserable. It happened so perfectly and divinely, and so I finally said ok.
It occurred to me that I needed to heal myself, and that school was not where I would be able to do it, so I left.
My environment needed to change completely for me to do what I needed to do. And after the surrender, spirituality and light began to make itself more clear than ever. I started pursuing my physical health again. I got arrested as the universe works so divinely so I was able to break my addiction to marijuana, letting go of all the unhealthy influences I surrounded myself with. I took yoga upon myself intensely as a new way to cope, and this is what what changed everything. I had found clarity and peace, able to finally get off of pharmaceutical medications that had been keeping my head in the clouds for 10 years. My mom began to take me to energy healers, where as before I couldn't feel the energy work, I was now dumbfounded by the experiences I was having. I started to feel energy; I recognized where it was in my body, and where it was in the room. I wanted to hold it, to move it, to step inside of it. It became apparent to me how very real this all was. Everything clicked at once, and awareness hit me like a truck. I had never felt so high, waking up every day truly excited to experience life. I looked forward to enjoying all the beautiful vibrations, feeling like my life was an entire psychedelic trip. I had found bliss.
It was the healing of my body that began the process of healing everything I had been through. I started processing my trauma, healing my mind and spirit, letting go, connecting, and uncovering the real me again; the girl from middle school, but this time confident, happy and strong.
Reflecting back on this beautiful life, I take none of it back, but I will never go back to the world I was living in again. For the darkness and for the light, I am eternally grateful.